one day it'll all make sense.

snow balling

So… the last month or so has felt like the worst I’ve experienced.  This April will be 7 years since I was diagnosed with MS and up until now the symptoms I have experienced surrounding each relapse have been mostly numbness and mild to moderate “fuzzy brain”.  There have been a few painful relapses too.  Felt like my entire side was frost-bitten and being stuck in a hot bath constantly.  Those were not overly fun, but this one has been the worst.  I have never before felt this lack of confidence in myself as right now.  My memory has been badly affected all along, but when I had to look up the words to our Canadian national anthem I was pretty deflated.  The physical issues I can generally cope with fairly well, but when my mind is affected I have a really hard time with that.  I work in a field which I really do enjoy.  Retail management is not for everyone, but I like the interaction with people, the ability to coach and mentor my staff to achieve awesomeness, and I have a love for photography which I am surrounded by every day.  December is a tough time of year in retail though.  There is a lot of long days, pressure to meet goals, and grumpy stressed out people.  Normally, something I deal with no problem.  This year it hit really hard.  Never have I felt like maybe I can’t do something until this year.  Never have I had a day where I’ve considered asking for a leave of absence until this year.  My mind shut me out.  I couldn’t think right.  I couldn’t process situations.  I couldn’t plan my day.  I couldn’t stay focussed on anything.  It was scary, and I didn’t know what to do.  Thankfully I’ve started to bounce back.  Started to get my mind working with me, instead of against me again…  I’m not completely me again, but I’m celebrating the progress as it comes. 

AND counting down the days ’til I leave for vacation 🙂  Praying that the week away will help relieve some of the often unbearable fatigue that comes with MS.  Those who don’t really understand, REALLY don’t understand.  It can be like nothing you could ever begin to imagine if you haven’t lived it. 

A week away from it all should be a big help in getting the me I know back….


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