Today I was reminded of something I’ve known all along:
No one will ever be as critical of you, as you are of yourself. Coach Sharon
I’ve fallen into somewhat of a blogging silence over the last little while cause there are thoughts bouncing around in my mind that I don’t want to share. Why? Cause I don’t want to create that impression of myself. I also don’t want to admit to myself that I’m really not all that tough, but we all have a soft side I guess. I considered starting a new blog and only sharing it with the readers I only know through wordpress. There’s a sense of comfort knowing that you can completely write with open honesty cause you will never have to face those who read your rants in public. I’ve made the decision to push my reservations aside for the time being in the hopes that sharing my story might benefit someone else who is fighting the same battles. Still might happen at some point, but for now… this is me.
Where did this all start? Not entirely sure, but I’m pretty confident some of it has to do with my decision to rejoin a ball hockey league I gave up when I moved to Waterloo. It’s a great group of friends who I’ve missed like crazy, but haven’t seen in almost 2 years. A lot has changed in 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been probably one of the best periods of my life so far in terms of personal growth. I’ve found the best community/family of people at Crossfit Division. I’ve learned I am physically capable of a whole crap load more than I ever would have imagined previously. My mind is in a great place. Work is good, health is better than ever, and I’ve found a place where I finally feel like I really belong just for being ME. Maybe it’s a realization that I’m putting myself back into the world where I only really belonged in someone else’s shadow that’s unnerving. But maybe it’s time for me to show that I can be a part of that world all on my own…
So what’s the problem? In conversation with Coach Sharon, I made a confession that got me in trouble :p “I haven’t seen these girls for almost 2 years. I was 25lbs lighter back then…” 😮 No surprise the reaction I got to that comment. “PLEASE tell me you don’t own a scale! Get rid of it right away.” I know that the number on the scale means nothing. I know that muscle weighs more than fat. I know that I’m 1000x stronger than I was at 115lbs. But I also know how it feels to not fit into my old clothes. I know how it felt when I was maybe 12 and a comment was made about how big my thighs were. Or in high school when my mom would say “I’d ask to borrow your clothes, but they’d be too big.” I’m not 14 anymore, but although I know that 99% of my problems are all in my head, this is a battle I’ve been fighting for a looooong time. Old habits die hard.