one day it'll all make sense.

on the fence

Over-eposed?  What can I say… This is me.

2278[1]

Over the next few days I will, in a sense, have all the time in the world to draft up some crazy sh*t completely free of WOD details.  Tuesday I got in to see Zaps (box vet/massage) in hopes that he could help me with the sore back thing.  He tortured me appropriately, as he always does, and suggested I make a chiro appointment cause he felt I had a rib out.  Taking care of injury is not usually something I’m very good at, but in consideration of the competition this Saturday, I took his advise and got in yesterday.  A possible rib out turned out to be 3!  Great.  When I do something, it’s never half-assed.  Injury is no different apparently.  Chiro put me back together, but strongly suggested I take the rest of the week off.  😦  Yup… that means no Nightmare of Mill Street this weekend for me possibly.  Total bummer.  But I’m old enough to know that giving in to Zaps’ offer to just tape me up like crazy and compete anyway is not the smartest option.  Been there, done that.  Still paying for some poor judgement calls I’ve made in the past.  Sigh.

Know what else “take the week off” means?  Other than the fact that my mind could quite literally implode without the box?  No first ball hockey game last night.  Double sigh.  That also ties in to my “on the fence” title of this post though.  I’m trying my best to chose the “just be happy with being strong as fawk and forget the rest” side, but I’m struggling to get over the changing seasons and having to wear pants again.  :p  Especially talking jeans.  Even the stretchy variety remind me I have a BUTT now.  And quads.  Large quads.  Strong… but still.

Made a decision yesterday that it was time to get the monkey off my back.  Broke the news to my mother that I intend on taking a year off from vacationing in Dominican this coming February.  “I just bought my place.  I want to get a year of home ownership under my belt before I spend that kind of money on a trip.” I told her.  Do you really believe that there wasn’t an ulterior motive there as well?  No?  Good.  You’re catching on.  Do I want to lean on this excuse as a way around the judgement and pressure that bikini wearing brings?  Especially with my mother around?  Bingo.  Maybe I should just go by myself and find comfort in the fact that I don’t know anyone else on the beach.  Or find some crossfit friends to rope in to going.  Just not the skinny ones.  That would be counter-productive.

The WORST thing I ever did for/to myself was get down to a size 2.  Sure, I was tiny.  Sure, I actually for once in my life enjoyed shopping for pants/shorts/bikinis.  Wearing them too!  Like, in public.  Sure, I actually received lots of praise and support from her Royal Highness (my mother).  But was I happier even then?  Nope.  Skinny doesn’t miraculously make a person happy.  Was I healthier?  Nope.  I obsessed over controlling my diet to such an extreme that my relationship suffered.  I put unintentional and unnecessary pressure on the one person I loved more than anyone, all for the sake of getting smaller.  It was selfish, but life has thrown me so many things that are out of my control that I fell for the belief that diet was the one thing I could.  Sure I was eating good food, but still my MS symptoms were rough.  Guess what?  That put even more strain on all aspects of life.  It was not a period of my life that I look back on and wish I could revisit, yet my mind still hangs on the fact that: I was a size 2.

Yes, I’m still rambling about the same old shit.  Maybe one day I’ll actually get over it.  A friend made a comment the other day that I look great.  Fit and healthy.  Maybe one day I’ll see it……

letgo

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Comments on: "on the fence" (1)

  1. I remember now why we connected…you get it. And I am near tears now breathing a sigh of relief (sorry) that I am not alone in the struggle, I am not the only one who feels “I know this is better, I should have this mind game won by now”. Because I don’t and my healthy people don’t understand why I don’t and everyone else says how huge I’ve gotten. Thank you for sharing again!

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