one day it'll all make sense.

scattered. again

If I were smart, I would share bits of my MS story when things are great.  But when things are great, I try to pretend I’m invincible and it’s a part of me that just doesn’t exist.  When relapses hit, it’s often out of nowhere and sometimes unrecognizable at first.  I’ve had many times where the effect is a physical one.  Difficulty walking, loss of feeling in my hands, arm, leg, feet or a kind of burning feeling like when your frost-bitten fingers start to warm up.  The physical relapses are shitty, but I can deal with those.  It’s the cognitive ones I find the most frustrating.  I haven’t blogged in several days, after a pretty good stretch of remaining consistent.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s that my mind exists in an open-ended sentence right now.  This is when I really need a vacation.  This is when I find my job to be difficult.  I held the weekly meeting with my team yesterday morning and struggled to present them with the topics I had planned to discuss.  It’s not at all that I don’t know what I want to say.  It’s all clear as day in my mind, but gets lost in translation between the thought and the words.  What does that have to do with why I haven’t been blogging?  There’s not the same short-circuit between thought and type, but there’s a level of disarray in my head right now that makes it hard to put all the thoughts in an order that makes any sense.  So… I’ve reasoned with myself that until I get my ducks back in a row, I can settle on shorter posts or completely scattered ones.  You’ll figure it out.  If not, chest la vie.

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There should be a disclaimer on this one, cause I’m sure to make some controversial comments.  It’s all just my own personal experiences and wacked out opinion.  This post has sat in “draft” status for a few days now, cause my head needed to be in the right place to hit “publish”.

Any-hoo, I’ve come to the conclusion that for ME, crossfit alone isn’t enough.  It’s not at all that I haven’t improved in huge ways since starting, but there are also areas where I’ve back-tracked a bit.  I only noticed cause of the recent choice to re-introduce running to the mix.  It’s been less than 2 weeks, but already I feel like there’s a difference.  The morning runs are become second nature again.  The post-run WODs I find I perform better than the ones where I walk in cold.  AND my clothes are fitting better 🙂  I just feel more well-rounded, and a little less round in places too :p  So I felt a bit guilty at the beginning cause I respect my coaches and don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything from them, but I’ve thought a lot about my situation and really don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong.  I completely understand Coach Sharon’s “over-training” pitch.  I even got a slightly toned-down speech from a fellow box-mate, but I really don’t feel irresponsible at all.  This week maybe… but in general I plan to add in 3 runs per week, and the days I’ve done a pre-WOD run this week have pretty much all turned out to be short ones anyways!  Friday after our 8 minute AMRAP (which was BRUTAL, don’t get me wrong!) my running buddy whispered “I’m glad we got our run in!”  I have a partner in crime 😉

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Today I had every intention of being a busy one.  There was a Gymnastics Clinic at the box this morning from 10:00-12:30 which I’d been looking forward to for some time 🙂  Miss naturally awkward here was eager to get some pointers on some stuff and the coaches didn’t disappoint!  I kicked up into a handstand at one point, and time stood still… “oh… ok… so, I’m doing this…” went through my mind.  Felt like I held it forever!  Ok, reality was probably 5 seconds, but it’s forever compared to ever before!  Stoked.  Only downside to a 2 1/2 hour gymnastics clinic… that’s probably 2 1/4 more hours than my head can handle of rolls, cartwheels, upside-downess, etc.  Felt like hell after.  Came home, had some food in hopes the “I may pass out” feeling would go away.  Not so much.  So my planned super-productive day needed to wedge in a 90 minute nap.  Today also needs to be a food prep day!  That didn’t happen.  Other than a trip to the grocery store to replen my veggie stock pile (on a Sunday too!  Arg)  There have been more than one occasion this week where I’ve eaten lunch but not dinner, or had breakfast again.  Talking with DK yesterday we agreed that some nights you really just want something quick and easy!  A Paleo lifestyle simply doesn’t allow for quick and easy unless you are prepared ahead of time!  Pulling a pizza out of the freezer to pop in the oven just isn’t a part of my world.  Today I was hoping to hit up the good ‘ole Pinterest for some fresh ideas.  Guess I know what Monday night will entail.

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Comments on: "scattered. again" (2)

  1. Love ya girl! Keep up the good fight. Totally get what you mean, when I am eating I like to think I’ve beaten my demons so I don’t want to talk about being anorexic and when I’m struggling I need all my energy to fight the good fight. You’ve got a serious cheerleader in me, whethet or not you are posting!

  2. I hear you on the brain fog- it sucks!! I have to speak in meetings for my job as well, often off the cuff and I have to sound ‘intelligent’, something that is hard when your brain decides to take a break! I’ve also just started CrossFit, looking forward to reading more from your posts!

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