one day it'll all make sense.

Posts tagged ‘wellness’

A little R & R


Ok, more like a lot! Rest can turn into rest-less in excess. Unless you’re new here, you should know how well (noooo) I deal with ONE rest day… But we were in paradise ūüôā so I’m not really complaining. ¬†Just might be looking to shake things up a bit next time around.

My mom and I have always believed¬†that we travel well together.¬† Both non-drinkers and not huge into the party all night scene.¬† We both enjoy exercising while on vacation, walking on the beach¬†and falling into a routine of early morning coffees and lunch at the beach BBQ.¬† Yet the last few years I’ve felt like there was an incompatibility that I just couldn’t put my finger on.¬† I think this time around it came to me…¬† I think everyone goes on vacation with a specific purpose or goal.¬† And I think it’s deeper than just the general “I like adventure!” or “I just want to relax” cause while we both went into each of the trips we’ve taken together preaching a common goal of relaxation. Yet there were smaller intricacies that were just not¬†satisfied.¬† I realized this year what my mom’s entire trip motivation is, and got a clearer understanding of my own by recognizing what it isn’t!


My mom is a sun worshiper.¬† That is ALL that’s on her mind while on vacation.¬† Comments such as “I just want to sizzle and fry!” or “When the sun’s out, I don’t want to go for lunch/to the beach/for a walk/(insert anything that doesn’t involve laying on a pool chair cooking yourself)” were frequently dropped.¬† A sun worshiper’s MAIN goal while on vacation is to come back tanned the darkest shade humanly possible.¬† And it’s never enough. ¬†While I DO enjoy the sunshine, and got myself caught up in two enjoyable books while away, I’m not sure I fall into the sun worshiper category.


The joke for years has been – Better finish that book before the trip is over! ¬†Cause I’m not likely to touch it again until the next vacation. It’s sad, but true. ¬†Took me two years to finish The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo… It’s as if vacation is the¬†only time when my mind can detach enough from the 100s of other things that swim around in there in everyday life to focus on reading. ¬†So as the days wore on, and the pool chair boredom grew, these moments became more and more frequent.


My MAIN goal for my¬†vacationing is – a memorable vacation.¬† I like to come back and have lots of great memories ūüôā¬† Don’t get me wrong, there are a few!¬† Haha!¬† Like… one of the bartenders from the swim up bar asked me to marry him. ¬†A few times. ¬†Poor guy… I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was barking way up the wrong tree. ¬†He wanted me to stay in the Dominican with him and the minute I got off the plane in Toronto and heard we were forecast to have -30 degree wind chill for much of the weekend, I considered getting right back on! ¬†One thing I’ve always wanted to do since I was pretty young was go horseback riding along the beach. ¬†It almost happened this year! There was a place within walking distance from the resort where we could have joined a group, but I without boring you with the details, it didn’t happen. ¬†Next time it WILL!

Anyways… Before I fall into my old habits of leaving a post in the draft phase eternally, I’ll just share a few picks that speak for themselves. Riu Bachata, Puerto Plata was amazing ūüôā ¬†I’d recommend it to anyone and hope to get back there again one day.


Mmmmm…. Coffee ūüôā



Last note – entirely random useless fact… If you’re a chocolate covered almond fan, good for you. I’m not. I think they taste like dirt. Anyways, ever bit one in half just enough that the chocolate pulls off the almond? ¬†Those are some ugly looking nuts! I’m not talking occasionally either, it seems to be a common occurrence. The reject nuts become your beloved treat. Someone one day must have said “what am I to do with the gnarly looking almonds that no one will want to eat? I know!! I’ll dress them up all fancy with a chocolate coat!” ¬†Don’t judge a book by its chocolate cover? I will, thank you! ¬†You’re not fooling me. ¬†Chocolate covered dirt.

part of me


I might actually get a second post in later today.¬† Or it could happen tomorrow as well.¬† I have a lot of stuff I’m trying to sort thru in my mind that writing¬†usually helps with.¬† I’ve gone back and forth a little on my chat session with AM from last week.¬† In many ways, I really do like learning more about what MS does but some parts are hard to acknowledge and even harder to accept.¬† I guess it’s just sinking in heavier and becoming more REAL.¬† This week has been about trying to find a way in my mind to deal with it all.

This post is a hot mess.¬† I’m well behind on my fitness logging, but it is what it is.¬† AND… as of this morning, despite the ridiculous snow we got over night… I’m 5km away from my goal!¬† Trudged thru the mid-thigh deep snow to my car, kicked enough out of the way¬†to open my door, got a car’s length back from my parking space, and got stuck.¬† Good times!¬† Since I knew the WOD was cancelled, it meant there was less of a rush to pick up my running buddy.¬† And lucky for me the maintenance guys were nice enough to come help me dig the rest of the way out!¬† LOL what a morning!¬† Needless to say, when we arrived at the track around 6:30am there were very few cars in the parking lot and even fewer bodies on the track.¬† Still a great run ūüôā¬† 95km down, 5km to go.¬† And 3 sleeps till Dominican.

Mon. Feb. 2:

5km run (6:30am ish)


^^^ Not entirely sad about the 7:30 WOD¬†being cancelled.¬† 81 burpee-box-jump-overs?¬† ūüėģ

Sun. Feb. 1:

5km run (7:30am)

CFD – Yoga

Sat. Jan. 31:

AMRAP, 20 Minutes:
20- Pull-ups  ring pulls
20- Burpees 
20- Squat Cleans   55/65/75/85/95
**add weight to cleans each round

Result – 4 full rounds + 6 squat cleans

Partners in crime with my running buddy once again ūüôā¬† We’re both competitive enough for that extra little push, but not to the extreme where it’s no longer safe or fun.¬† What, what?!?¬† #95 squat cleans??!!¬† That’s right! ūüėÄ

Fri. Jan. 30:

5km run (6am)

3 Rounds of:
500 Meter Row/Sally
12- Kettlebell/DB Thrusters #95/#65  #20 DB
21- Toes to Bar  <<Рyucky!

Time – 15:22 (I think!)

During the first row I’m pretty sure my legs moaned at me for the pre-WOD¬†run.¬† Went pretty light with the DB thrusters, but my goal was control on these.¬† My left shoulder likes to get all crazy when using free weights for overhead shtuff.¬† Still got a good workout!!¬† My armpits were sore for a few days haha

Thurs. Jan. 29:

Part 1. Front Squat: Build to a 10-Rep Heavy  #105
Part 2.  On The 2:00 x 5 Sets:
10- Calorie Row 
5- Front Squats #135/#95   #75
AMRAP Double-Unders in Time Remaining

Score was to be # of DU.  I did get some, but no clue how many!

5km run (3:30pm)

Wed. Jan. 28: 

5km run (6am)


Tues. Jan. 27:

Muscle-Up   transitions
Squat Snatch #135/#95   #55

Went in to this one with a plan in my head to use #65 for the WOD.¬† During the warm-up, modified that plan to #55.¬† Still landed on my BUTT for the very first rep after the 3, 2, 1 – GO!¬† For most likely the first time, I didn’t let it phase me.¬† Stepped back up to the bar and finished the WOD without incident.¬† That’s my victory for the day.¬† Or maybe even the week!

Mon. Jan. 26: 

5km run (6am)

7 Rounds:
10- Push Jerks #95/#65
10- Kettlebell Swings 70lbs/53lbs   #35
100 Meter Shuttle Sprint 
Rest 1:00 Between Rounds

With the snow and ice outside, the shuttle run was to the end of the box (inside) and back.¬† Twice.¬† When I arrived, I took one look at Coach and declared “This kid will NOT be sprinting.¬† Just so we are clear.”¬† lol¬† But you know I did for the last round…


That’s right, untitled.¬† Cause I’ve hit “save draft” too many times already trying to think of a name. :-p

Thankfully despite my mental un-clarity, it would appear that physically I’m still able to live the dream ūüôā¬† This being said, tonight I need to really focus and get some food prep done.¬† It’s a bit of a problem when I sit on my couch for a ridiculously long amount of time and consider all of the things I want/need to get done.¬† I¬†either start something,¬†and fail to follow through to completion, or forget all together.¬† For all of you who are thinking “pffft!¬† I forget things all the time!”¬† You have no idea.¬† I forget things on a good day too, but this is to a whole different level.¬† If you get me, you’ll understand.¬† If you don’t, I hope you never do!¬† Several times throughout the day, I just get lost within my own mind.¬† It’s ugly.

Tues. Jan. 20:

Team Lumberjack 20, Teams of 2 SMASH OUT
For Time:

 40- Deadlifts #275/#185  #115
400m Run  row
 40- KB Swings
400m Run  row
40- Overhead Squats #115/#75  #55
400m Run  row
 40- Burpees
400m Run  row
 40- Chest-Bar Pullups  ring pulls
400m Run  row
 40- Box Jumps
400m Run   row
40- Squat Cleans #115/#75  #55
400m Run  row
Workout done with partner, reps/runs split in half (20 each/200m), only one partner moving at a time.

Time – 26:40

Yesterday I admitted to myself that today should¬†have been a rest day.¬† My mind needs this stuff though.¬† There’s an element of strategy and a mental grit that I can understand, even when other things are complicated.¬†Plus this one sounded awesome, AND it was a partner WOD.¬† My running buddy was the perfect partner though cause she was tired too and perfectly happy to go lighter on the weight.¬† We both need a rest day, but complimented each other today in terms of intensity and got through the laundry list of movements efficiently.

Mon. Jan. 19:

6:00am 3km run/stair run, followed by 7:30:

7 x 2:00 Minute Rounds:
200 Meter Run/Row/AirDyne
3 5– Pull-Ups
6 10– Pushups
9 15– Air Squats
AMRAP Power Cleans in Time Remaining #135/#95
Rest 1:00 Between Rounds
Score – 42 Power Cleans

Name of the game Рfind a rhythm and keep consistent.  Survived 4 rounds of pull-ups, then switched to ring pulls.  My legs felt the stairs when it got to the last few rounds of air squats!  My running buddy and I decided this morning to mix things up a little.  Got in our 3km, then circled the stadium running up and down the stairs.  Alternated between the quick single step method and taking the stairs 2 at a time.  I like that better!  The singles I nearly face-planted a few times.

Fri. Jan. 16:

6:00am 5km Run, followed by 7:30:

AMRAP 8 Minutes:
3 Power Snatches (95/65), 3 Box Jump Overs (24/20)
6 Power Snatches (95/65), 6 Box Jump Overs (24/20)
9 Power Snatches (95/65), 9 Box Jump Overs (24/20)
Continue to add 3 reps per round until time is called.

Result – 15’s +13 Snatch #55

Deceiving WOD!¬† “How bad can it be?¬† It’s only 8 minutes.”¬† WRONG!¬† It was pretty brutal.¬† The 3’s and 6’s went super fast, then suddenly it jumped to 9’s.¬† I stared at the clock in disbelief when I got to my 9 box jump overs and there was still 5+ minutes left.

Thurs. Jan. 15:

CrossFit Division WOD
15-12-9 Reps:
Toes to Bar
Burpees over ERG
300 Meter Row after each round

Time – 10:16

¬†Yup.¬† This was kinda shitty.¬† Although despite my near fail in the 15’s where my mind wandered for a brief second and I quite nearly ate¬†it jumping over the rower, I actually enjoyed the burpee portion!¬† What?!¬† lol

scattered. again

If I were smart, I would share bits of my MS story when things are great. ¬†But when things are great, I try to pretend I’m invincible and it’s a part of me that just doesn’t exist. ¬†When relapses hit, it’s often out of nowhere and sometimes unrecognizable at first. ¬†I’ve had many times where the effect is a physical one. ¬†Difficulty walking, loss of feeling in my hands, arm, leg, feet or a kind of burning feeling like when your frost-bitten fingers start to warm up. ¬†The physical relapses are shitty, but I can deal with those. ¬†It’s the cognitive ones I find the most frustrating. ¬†I haven’t blogged in several days, after a pretty good stretch of remaining consistent. ¬†It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s that my mind exists in an open-ended sentence right now. ¬†This is when I really need a vacation. ¬†This is when I find my job to be difficult. ¬†I held the weekly meeting with my team yesterday morning and struggled to present them with the topics I had planned to discuss. ¬†It’s not at all that I don’t know what I want to say. ¬†It’s all clear as day in my mind, but gets lost in translation between the thought and the words. ¬†What does that have to do with why I haven’t been blogging? ¬†There’s not the same short-circuit between thought and type, but there’s a level of disarray in my head right now that makes it hard to put all the thoughts in an order that makes any sense. ¬†So… I’ve reasoned with myself that until I get my ducks back in a row, I can settle on shorter posts or completely scattered ones. ¬†You’ll figure it out. ¬†If not, chest la vie.


There should be a disclaimer on this one, cause I’m sure to make some controversial comments.¬† It’s all just my own personal experiences and wacked out opinion. ¬†This post has sat in “draft” status for a few days now, cause my head needed to be in the right place to hit “publish”.

Any-hoo, I’ve come to the conclusion that for ME, crossfit alone isn’t enough.¬† It’s not at all that I haven’t improved in huge ways since starting, but there are also areas where I’ve back-tracked a bit.¬† I only noticed cause of the recent choice to re-introduce running to the mix.¬† It’s been less than 2 weeks, but already I feel like there’s a difference.¬† The morning runs are become second nature again.¬† The post-run WODs I find I perform better than the ones where I walk in cold.¬† AND my clothes are fitting better ūüôā¬† I just feel more well-rounded, and a little less round in places¬†too :p¬† So I felt a bit guilty at the beginning cause I respect my coaches and don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything from them, but I’ve thought a lot about my situation and really don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong.¬† I completely understand Coach Sharon’s “over-training” pitch.¬† I even got a slightly toned-down speech from a fellow box-mate, but I really don’t feel irresponsible at all.¬† This week maybe… but in general I plan to add in 3 runs per week, and the days I’ve done a pre-WOD run this week have pretty much all turned out to be short ones anyways! ¬†Friday after our 8 minute AMRAP (which was BRUTAL, don’t get me wrong!) my running buddy whispered “I’m glad we got our run in!” ¬†I have a partner in crime ūüėČ

gymnasty 2

Today I had every intention of being¬†a busy one. ¬†There was a Gymnastics Clinic at the box this morning from 10:00-12:30 which I’d been looking forward to for some time ūüôā ¬†Miss naturally awkward here was eager to get some pointers on some stuff and the coaches didn’t disappoint! ¬†I kicked up into a handstand at one point, and time stood still… “oh… ok… so, I’m doing this…” went through my mind. ¬†Felt like I held it forever! ¬†Ok, reality was probably 5 seconds, but it’s forever compared to ever before! ¬†Stoked. ¬†Only downside to a 2 1/2 hour gymnastics clinic… that’s probably 2 1/4 more hours than my head can handle of rolls, cartwheels, upside-downess, etc. ¬†Felt like hell after. ¬†Came home, had some food in hopes the “I may pass out” feeling would go away. ¬†Not so much. ¬†So my planned super-productive day needed to wedge in a 90 minute nap. ¬†Today also needs to be a food prep day! ¬†That didn’t happen. ¬†Other than a trip to the grocery store to replen my veggie stock pile (on a Sunday too! ¬†Arg) ¬†There have been more than one occasion this week where I’ve eaten lunch but not dinner, or had breakfast again. ¬†Talking with DK yesterday we agreed that some nights you really just want something quick and easy! ¬†A Paleo lifestyle simply doesn’t allow for quick and easy unless you are prepared ahead of time! ¬†Pulling a pizza out of the freezer to pop in the oven just isn’t a part of my world. ¬†Today I was hoping to hit up the good ‘ole Pinterest for some fresh ideas. ¬†Guess I know what Monday night will entail.


run along

From my blog readings I’ve enjoyed experiencing all of the different perspectives people take to the start of a new year.¬† Most of you have opted to¬†map out a solid set of goals for yourself to work on in¬†2015.¬† Got me thinking… What are MY goals for the year?¬† Do I even want to paint things with such a wide brush?¬† I mean, a year is a long time!¬† So for now, I’m going to focus on smaller goals and see where that takes me.¬† I mean, it wasn’t even a goal of mine, but my blogging dedication has returned at the moment ūüôā¬† That feels good cause there’s a whole world of random sh*t going on in my head at any given time which just needs to be shared sometimes.¬† I can ramble here.¬† No one looks at me funny.

Anyway, I read something today about setting realistic goals and adjusting your training to be successful.¬† I’ve been crossfitting¬†for a year and a half.¬† Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it.¬† Love lifting heavy.¬† Love chasing PR’s.¬† Love the community environment most of all!¬† But for today, and really the next month, my goals will shift from a performance focus to one geared towards the aesthetic¬†side of things.¬† At least until after my trip…¬† I completely had to come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to lift as heavy, but it won’t be forever…

Wed. Jan. 14:

7:00am 5km run

Although my running buddies bailed on me again today, still had a great run ūüôā¬† Running with someone is a great way to make the distance pass quickly, but running alone is by far my¬†fav. time to think!

runnerAin’t that the truth!¬† But most of the ones I create in my head are just too weird to share ūüėČ
Tues. Jan. 13:

6:30am 2.5km run, followed by 7:30am WOD –

Teams of 2 AMRAP 20 Minutes:
10 Push Presses (115/80) #65
10 Kettlebell Swings (53/35)
10 Box Jumps (24/20)

Result – 16 rounds +20 reps

Yes, I’m addicted.¬† Even if it’s just a short one, I really like my pre-WOD¬†run.¬† I AMRAP better after the trot around the track, I swear!¬† And if it’s all just in my head, so be it.¬† If nothing else, Tuesday’s visit to the rec. centre may¬†become routine just cause the Laurier girls’ hockey team practices there while I run :-p

Mon. Jan. 12:

6:00am 5km run, followed by 7:30am WOD –

At the 0:00…
AMRAP 5 Minutes:
5- Squat Cleans #155/#105  #65
5- Bar Muscle-Ups  MU transitions
5- Box Jumps (40/30)   #24
At the 5:00…
5 Minutes to Establish a Max Effort:
Clean + Hang Squat Clean + Front Squat + Jerk  #90
At the 10:00…
18 ‚Äď 12 ‚Äď 6 Reps:
Deadlift #275/#185   #145
Strict Handstand Pushup  30sec handstand hold

Time – 15:18

Yes, my squat cleans were sandbaggin¬†it a little in terms of weight, but my legs were still feeling all of Sunday’s wallballs.¬† I made up for it in part 2 though, first attempt @ 90lbs¬†I failed the hang squat clean but I got my sh*t together and completed the set ūüėĬ† Very little time between parts today so when the 10 minute¬†mark came, I just slapped¬†some plates on the bar and started dead lifting.¬†¬†Initially I thought I was loading things a bit light, but 18 reps was hard!¬† Wasn’t till after that I added¬†things up… I’m ok with 36 reps @ 145lbs.

Sun. Jan. 11:

Every 5:00 Minutes for as long as possible, perform:
35- Wallballs 20lbs/14lbs
10- Double Unders
6- Muscle Ups  MU transitions

Survived 3 rounds.¬† Up waaaaay¬†past my bed time Saturday night and I felt it for sure!¬† First round of wallballs were a borderline-pass-out situation, but I got it together.¬† Enough to keep moving anyways.¬† Got in my 10 DU each round too ūüôā¬† not unbroken, but it’s progress.

back in the game


Happy New Year ūüôā ¬†I even made it to midnight! ¬†Woot! ¬†Went to a movie New Year’s Eve with a friend, then there was wine, the ball dropped, and less than an hour in to 2015 I was ready for bed. ¬†I’m not one of those people who says “thank GOD 2014 is over!!” ¬†but I am pretty relieved December is behind us. ¬†The build up to Christmas is pleasant¬†and happy, even Boxing Day is a fun energy in my store, but the remainder of the month brings grumpy customers, grumpy staff, and many moments where I’m just about ready to tell everyone to get the fawk out! ¬†Haha!


It’s called “boxing week”


All good ūüôā ¬†I didn’t kill anyone. ¬†Crossfit helped me keep my sanity despite the fact that my body was tired and sore and begging for a rest. ¬†New Year’s Day, rest I did.

Need a little follow-up on something. ¬†Early December I had made the choice to give up nuts for a month. ¬†Well, that didn’t happen. ¬†I lasted nearly 2 weeks, then had Christmas cookie day at my mom’s house and my good intention went out the window. ¬†I mean, come on… who makes cookies and doesn’t sample them? ¬†It would have been a disservice to my friends and family to not try at least 1, right? ¬†‘Cept 1 became well, more. ¬†I’m leaving it at that. ¬†:-p ¬†So, not only did the month take on a nut-free-for-all tone, chocolate joined the party too! ¬†A new addition to our Paleo Christmas cookie day for this year was the Peppermint Chocolate Crackle cookie. ¬†Evil little things, but so tasty!

IMG_1943¬†Then came Christmas Day. ¬†My goal was to eat super-clean leading up to Christmas so I could treat myself with the only ice cream worth cheating with, President’s Choice Candy Cane Chocolate something-or-other. ¬†Well, I’d already fallen off that band wagon, so I wasn’t about to punish myself on Christmas Day of all times by skipping out on the ice cream! ¬†It was so worth it. ¬†Even when I kind of felt like garbage the next day. ¬†Not like I could go lift on Boxing Day, so there was little to no remorse. ¬†Oh! And jolly old Saint Nick put a big ‘ole Costco bag of walnuts in my stocking! ¬†I left that bad-boy in Brampton. ¬†Once in a while is one thing, but 1kg+ of walnuts in my kitchen is just not a good idea. ¬†Like, ever. ¬†People think I have great will power… nope! ¬†Not at all! ¬†But I¬†know that about myself, so I avoid temptation cause if you think fitting anything from Costco into a stocking is a challenge, fitting my BUTT into even my comfy sweatpants could be just as challenging if the nuts followed me home.

Ok, rant complete. ¬†The whole intention though was to bring to light my renewed nutritional focus. ¬†Day 2 of 2015, and 5 weeks away from heading back to the Caribbean for a little R&R in the sun ūüôā ¬†My game plan had been to scrap the chocolate AND nuts Jan. 1, but the day was spent at my mom’s and while I was good to the chocolate pledge, the nuts were far too accessible. ¬†So today’s the day. ¬†As I mentioned when I first gave up the nuts, my intention was to see if it affected me in terms of the pain in my leg. ¬†A fellow CFD friend and I were talking New Years’ Eve and she asked if it had made me feel any different during the nearly 14 days I stuck to the program. ¬†“Yes! ¬†I did feel different!” I replied. ¬†“I was bitter and grumpy about snacking on celery!” ¬†haha! ¬†True story.

Fri. Jan. 2:

4 Rounds of:
5- Power Cleans- #185/#135  #85
200m Run/Row/Sally  Row

***PLUS 20+ burpees to be done if you find yourself waiting for a rower!

I wanted to RUN today! ¬†I miss running… like to the point I have been quite seriously considering joining a gym or buying a treadmill. ¬†Totally pointless during the spring/summer/fall, but when it comes to running outside on the -20 degree (-300 with the windchill) dark winter days… I’m a BIG baby! ¬†This morning snow was falling softly as I was driving to the box. ¬†Figured my chance to get out and run may not happen and during the warm-up, Coach Dave tossed his 2 cents in to Sharon’s WOD – “No running today. ¬†Too slippery!” ¬†So row I did. ¬†Learned on the first round that showing off your awesome rowing efficiency was not the smartest idea for this couplet. ¬†Hopped off the rower, stepped up to the bar, and didn’t even get the bar high enough for a super-low squat clean! ¬†Laughed it off and carried on, but kept that in mind for the next row!

on the fence

Over-eposed?¬† What can I say… This is me.


Over the next few days I will, in a sense, have all the time in the world to draft up some crazy sh*t¬†completely¬†free of WOD¬†details. ¬†Tuesday I got in to see Zaps¬†(box vet/massage) in hopes that he could help me with the sore back thing. ¬†He tortured me appropriately, as he always does, and suggested I make a chiro¬†appointment cause he felt I had a rib out. ¬†Taking care of injury is not usually something I’m very good at, but in consideration of the competition this Saturday, I took his advise¬†and got in yesterday. ¬†A possible rib out turned out to be 3! ¬†Great. ¬†When I do something, it’s never half-assed. ¬†Injury is no different apparently. ¬†Chiro¬†put me back together, but strongly suggested I take the rest of the week off. ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†Yup… that means no Nightmare of Mill Street this weekend for me possibly. ¬†Total bummer. ¬†But I’m old enough to know that giving in to Zaps’ offer to just tape me up like crazy and compete anyway is not the smartest option. ¬†Been there, done that. ¬†Still paying for some poor judgement calls I’ve made in the¬†past. ¬†Sigh.

Know what else “take the week off” means? ¬†Other than the fact that my mind could quite literally implode without the box? ¬†No first ball hockey game last night. ¬†Double sigh. ¬†That also ties in to my “on the fence” title of this post though.¬† I’m trying my best to chose¬†the “just be happy with being strong as fawk and forget the rest” side, but I’m struggling to get over the changing seasons and having to wear pants again.¬† :p¬† Especially talking jeans.¬† Even the stretchy variety remind me I have a BUTT now.¬† And quads.¬† Large quads.¬† Strong… but still.

Made a decision yesterday that it was time to get the monkey off my back. ¬†Broke the news to my mother that I intend on taking a year off from vacationing in Dominican¬†this coming¬†February. ¬†“I just bought my place. ¬†I want to get a year of home ownership under my belt before I spend that kind of money on a trip.” I told her. ¬†Do you really believe that there wasn’t an ulterior¬†motive there as well? ¬†No? ¬†Good. ¬†You’re catching on.¬† Do I want to lean on this excuse as a way around the judgement and pressure that bikini wearing brings?¬† Especially¬†with my mother around?¬† Bingo.¬† Maybe I should just go by myself and find comfort in the fact that I don’t know anyone else on the beach.¬† Or find some crossfit friends to rope in to going.¬† Just not the skinny ones.¬† That would be counter-productive.

The WORST thing I ever did for/to myself was get down to a size 2.¬† Sure, I was tiny.¬† Sure, I actually for once in my life enjoyed shopping for pants/shorts/bikinis.¬† Wearing them too!¬† Like, in public.¬† Sure, I actually¬†received lots of praise and support from her Royal¬†Highness¬†(my mother).¬† But was I happier even then?¬† Nope.¬† Skinny doesn’t miraculously make a person happy.¬† Was I healthier?¬† Nope.¬† I obsessed over controlling¬†my diet to such an extreme that my relationship suffered.¬† I put unintentional and unnecessary¬†pressure on the one person I loved more than anyone, all for the sake of getting smaller.¬† It was selfish, but life has thrown me so many things that are out of my control that I fell for the belief that diet was the one thing I could.¬† Sure I was eating good food, but still my MS¬†symptoms were rough.¬† Guess what?¬† That put even more strain on all aspects of life.¬† It was not a period of my life that I look back on and wish I could revisit, yet my mind still hangs on the fact that: I was a size 2.

Yes, I’m still rambling about the same old shit.¬† Maybe one day I’ll actually get over it.¬† A friend made a comment the other day that I look great.¬† Fit and healthy.¬† Maybe one day I’ll see it……


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