one day it'll all make sense.

Archive for May, 2015

get over it

I’ve considered starting a new blog.  Or perhaps an interactive type thing cause I’m quite certain I’m just one little fish in a big sea of people with the same issues.  I could call it:

“Out of the running for Mother of the Year”

While I could easily come up with a million examples, I’ll present a comment made yesterday as the ice-breaker.

You have gotten a lot thicker.  Maybe you should try eating less…

Is it any wonder I was eating disordered in high school growing up with this sort of role model??  Anyways, I can laugh at it all a bit now because I’m finally at the point where I know she means no harm with these comments, just has absolutely no filter or common sense to understand how horrible her comments are sometimes.  I don’t eat a lot.  I have gotten thicker, but I like to lift heavy.  There’s my Segway to mom-ism numero deux.

But there are a LOT of little girls at your gym who lift heavy too…

Yeah, well.  I’m just unlucky I guess.  I work out as much as my caring coaches will allow, still gain weight.  Eat less, gain weight.  Eat even less, gain more weight.  One day I’ll get over it.

diet

Yuko had a busy week!  He went for a pool party/sleep over Wednesday night with Wafer, hung out at Sport Chek with me Thursday, then another play date Friday with Syrup!  When we were driving home Friday night we came across a carnival, so stopped to check out the sights and sounds.  One thing I’m completely sure about – this little guy isn’t fazed by anything.

yuko may30

Any-who… as you know I have another love in my life, aside from Yuko.  Time for the crossfit details mixed with other random rambling:

Fri. May 29:

Today just started out all wrong.  Fridays are meant to be the highlight of my week, but I knew this week would be different.  First – Friday is deadlift day.  It has been for like forever now.  I cried to Coach Sharon but was unsuccessful… so I decided that running could be useful today.  Reason being – immediately post-WOD I had to haul ass to my store to get organized for one of the hardest parts of being a manager.  Today I told my assistant of 4 years that he was no longer employed.  Never a pleasant process, although this one didn’t have any fear of my tires being slashed afterwards this time around.  The next hurdle will be dealing with the reaction of my staff.  At the end of the day, I’m running a business NOT a daycare, but I know some will be angry at me.  While lifting heavy would have helped to get me fired up and confident, running helped me organize my thoughts.  There’s reason 2 that today is all wrong.  Friday mornings are usually fun time with my pup.  AM offered to take him for the day since I have 11 hours of work and although I keep looking for him out of habit, I’m happy to know he’s having a fun day with Syrup 🙂

In Teams of 2:
400m Run
800m Run
1 Mile Run
800m Run
400m Run
*1 Athlete works as the other rest*

Time – 37:00 and change

Tues. May 26:

You know the workouts that leave you just not the same for an hour or several after you’re done?  Well, that was today.  Had to cool down for a good 10 minutes after to stop sweating buckets pre-shower.

3 Rounds of:
30- Calorie Row
15- Deadlifts (225/155)  125
30- Wallballs (20/14)

Time – 16:00

Not Rx, but I’m giving myself a little pat on the back for resisting the urge to scale the wallball weight.  The “rest” portion of this one was the deadlifts for sure.  My game plan to do those unbroken worked for the first 2 rounds, then I had to break the 3rd into 10 and 5 cause my hands just wouldn’t hold onto the bar any longer.

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back on the wagon

Can someone please do a rain dance?  Or I could just get a car wash I guess if I want a sure thing… The humidity in Southern Ontario is really messing with me.  When you start sweating just tying your shoes, you have to know things are gonna get ugly.

Mon. May 25:

Clean and Jerk Complex:
4 Sets: 1 Power Clean+ 2 Front Squats + 2 Jerks
*Increase load after each set*

75/85/95/105

Oh joy!  More squats!  2nd jerk of the 105 weight I clipped my chin with the bar on the way up.  Still got it up and locked out, but then I noticed the taste of blood.  With that, I collected Yuko on my way out the door to complete the second 800m run, then stripped the bar back to 75 again and spent a bit of time working on jerk consistency.

Yesterday I fell off the nut-free wagon, but dusted myself off and back on tract today.  After a spicy WOD of Rachel’s invention and more than an hour working on my jerk, I felt a little entitled to a treat.  Problem was I wanted a chocolate chip cookie dough Quest bar but I couldn’t find one.  So I figured a few dark chocolate almonds would satisfy me.  Wrong.  So later there were a few chocolate covered raisins too!  :-S  That worked, but I realized the chocolate almonds were entirely unnecessary.  Oh well.  Noted.  If they managed to give me super-human strength for this morning’s WOD that would be cool, but not the case.  My quads hate me right now.

Sun. May 24:

For Time:

1 Mile Run Row
60 Air Squats + 60 Double Unders  2x singles (all)
50 Air Squats + 50 Double Unders
40 Air Squats + 40 Double Unders
30 Air Squats + 30 Double Unders
20 Air Squats + 20 Double Unders
10 Air Squats + 10 Double Unders
1 Mile Row

Yup… 210 air squats, which were followed by almost an hour and a half of jerk work which of course included a squat clean before every jerk.  Except near the end I switched to power cleans when I was struggling just to stand up out of the squat!  100+ squat cleans for sure!  I was walking pretty funny by the time I left the box and later met up with friends to go for a looong walk with the pups.  My legs have every reason to hate me today.

Fri. May 22:

I made it 7 days without snacking on nuts 😀 and I didn’t die.  I had bitchy moments, but I kept them to myself as much as possible.  I must confess to crushing a whole watermelon all by myself in like 4 days, but I’ve decided that’s the lesser of a few evils.  I’ve also found myself with a Quest bar in my hand more than once and haven’t even tried to fight the temptation to eat it.  Let’s be realistic, I’ve probably cut around 800 calories out of my day.  You can be grossed out.  I am and always was, but it never stopped me from munching away like it was my job.  I don’t want my workouts to really suffer though.  This morning was not my best, but my body is TIRED from the other WODs this week.  Tuesday kicked my ass harder than I expected… it was still a struggle to touch my toes this morning.  Hammys were soooo tight!  And today was deadlift day, as if that’s not a winning combination!  Haha!

Tomorrow I’m going to a Jerk workshop.  Sounds awesome, right?  Well, it’s needed.  The last several weeks Friday’s WOD has involved building up to a heavy sequence of squat clean & jerk.  The limiting factor has been the jerk.  I just can’t seem to get more than 105lbs over my head!  I wish I could post a video on my blog cause the limit really has to do with when the weight gets heavy I turn into a big chicken and jerk it half way and strict press the rest.  Just feels safer somehow… That being said, maybe I just need a stronger strict press??

Part 1. Squat Clean and Jerk Complex
4 Sets of: 2-
Squat Cleans +1 Jerk

85/95/100/105


*Increase load after each set*
Part 2. Deadlifts: 3-3-3

185/195/205

There was meant to be a deadlift rep-out, but I bailed on that bit today.  It’s been a rough week and my sleep has suffered.  Woke up with a jolt Thurs. morning at 3:20 ish while invoices swirled around through my head.  The lack of network access at Henry’s on Tues and Wed completely drained me mentally.  Other than December, I’m usually pretty good at leaving work AT work when I go home.  This week that was not the case, so I cut myself a little slack when I just wasn’t 110% into the workout.

now I get it

Yet again, this post got stuck in the draft phase.  I can’t help that I have a hard time publishing something that feels unfinished.  Also can’t help that I’m pretty scattered sometimes.  I’m not apologizing though.  I made a vow to a friend that I’d stop apologizing.  It’s my blog and my story.  Sometimes it seems like there are gaps in the live version too.

DSC03193

Sun. May 17:

I’ve decided I’m over begin upset that the Sunday WOD has become an Open Gym time slot.  Mainly because it just means Rachel and Dave both come in and jot something on the white board and it turns into a WOD double-header day.  It’s been pretty wicked the last two weeks, but I’ve been lucky I guess that we’ve not had hockey.  Sitting here at my computer now, the thought of hoping in the car to go run around for an hour is not at all appealing.  I should have had a nap today, but instead Yuko and I walked to Tim’s at 5:00 to get a small coffee.  Small cause I hope to sleep tonight, but non-decaf cause I was fighting to keep my eyes open.  So the day started with WODs:

WOD 1 – In Teams of 2 

For Time: 150- Burpee Box Jumps

*Every 4 minutes, Run 400m (both partners) 

*Start the workout with a 400m run

Time – 19:06

WOD 2 – “treats” for time  #55 (all)

35 – Back Squats
30 – Push Jerks
25 – Front Squats
20 – Push Press
15 – Overhead Squats
10- Strict Press

Time – No friggin’ clue!  By the time this was done, my brain was too

Went to the box all prepared so Yuko and I could head to Bloomingdale after.  Much more fun to go on a long dog walk adventure with a friend, but I’m the only one who had to stick around for the long weekend, so Yuko and I headed out just us two.  Unlocked the secret to the running buddy I’ve been looking for – ditch the leash!  A bit of a problem when I want to run in the city, but we’ll figure it out.

IMG_2464

Sat. May 16:

Ever have one of those moments that further justifies in your mind why you are doing or did something?  Could be anything.  Could be that moment when you final succeed at something and realize all the effort was worth it.  Could be watching someone else succeed and feeling proud you helped them find their way.  I had one of those moments yesterday.  I was helping a girl in a wheel chair to put a new memory card into her phone.  Probably one of the smallest transactions I processed all day, but by far the most meaningful.  I helped her take the case off her phone to put the card in and she asked if I could please get the dog hair out from behind it!  I smiled and we got to chatting.  Turns out, she has a dog guide!  And from the Lions Association just like Yuko!  That moment made things real for me.  To hear the personal story of someone who both loves and values her dog guide made this process feel more important than ever.  After 2 1/2 months of trying to come up with the right answer when people say “i couldn’t do that! How are you going to give him up?” I feel like I finally have a clear idea in my mind of the WHY, which hopefully will help with the HOW.  Raising a puppy only to turn around and give him back after a year isn’t a sad experience.  As I’ve said from the start, it isn’t about me at all.  It’s about the service I’m providing to someone who needs assistance by doing the best I can to help Yuko become a great dog guide.  While I just want to enjoy the year with my little man, I’m also excited for his graduation when I get to see him paired up with his new partner.  I KNOW he’s going to make someone very happy, and I’m already so proud of the dog he’s becoming.  Although I do wish he’d get over his passion for chowing dandelions…

pooped

I love that I got the most easy-going puppy there is, but he’s not quite the dream running partner.  Headed out this morning thinking we could get in a nice little run before heading to work.  While I had promised Yuko that it wouldn’t be a long one cause my cardio is pretty garbage right now, it ended up being even shorter than planned cause I was totally gassed from pulling his big butt the whole time!  I guess he could have been still tired from playing at the park last night?  I came home with a total mud-puppy!

mudpuppyOh, the joys of parenthood 😉  Yes, I’ve become that guy who shows you endless kid photos but he’s kind of a big deal in my world at the moment.  With 14 of the CFD crew currently in Trinidad, the mornings have been pretty quiet.  Yesterday I was the only non-coach to show up for the 7:30 class.  Just me and 4 coaches.  Good times!  The boys decided to do some regionals WODs while Sharon joined me for a little back squatting.  I wanted to put more weight on the bar, but got a disapproving eye considering I didn’t really take a rest day this week…

Fri. May 15:

Back Squats: Work up to a HEAVY set of 2 Reps*  #145

*10 push-ups & 10 bicep curls between rounds   #20lb dumbbells

————————————–

Alright, I get it.  This morning’s WOD rubbed in my face that yesterday’s hill session should not be counted as a rest day.  If Tuesday was an upper body destroyer (which it WAS!!  Core too!  My chest and abs are still screaming) then today was the counter part.  My quads were dying in the first round and I had flash-backs of the hill sprints.  Oops!

Thurs. May. 14:

3 Rounds for Time:
75- Double Unders  *
50- Air Squats
25- Calorie Row

Time – 17:56 (I think!)

I got a few double unders in the first round, then proceeded to whip myself with increasing frequency and intensity.  By round 2 I felt like Fight Gone Bad and although I managed to convince myself “NO CRYING!”, I stuck with consistent singles.  The calves still got a good workout.

 

on the fence

Wed. May 13:

Yuko is 4 months old today 😀  My once-little-puppy is growing into a very handsome young man.  And such a good boy!  I called him in the middle of the dog park a few days ago and he came right away.  A few jaws dropped haha!  “OMG he came to you surrounded by other dogs?!” one guy commented.  “My dog is 10 and doesn’t listen that well!”  🙂  That felt good.  I’m doing something right!  (and it helps that he’s just awesome too)

4 months today!

4 months today!

Ok, I’m going to share a message I posted on facebook a few days ago in the Women of CFD group:

I need to rant for a minute. Summer is coming, got a taste of the warmer weather last week. Summer means no more jackets, no more hoodies and big comfy clothes. Exciting, right? How about when it means trying on all of last years clothes and realizing your butt and thighs just don’t fit into anything anymore. I’ve heard from many people “Kate! Shut up you’re not fat. Like at all.” but we each have our own perceptions of ourselves and perception is reality. This is mine. I just finished a round of Whole30 in April. I stuck through it no matter how tough it got at times… I mean come on! Who starts a chocolate abstinence routine a few days before Easter?? But although I was successful with my level of commitment for the whole thing, I was pretty disappointed at the end. Here’s the dumb part – I DID manage to kick my chocolate addiction. Win. and I PR’d my deadlift. Also Win. That should be more important than the number on the scale, right? Wrong. Again, my reality. What I just can’t seem to come to terms with is the fact that I eat super clean on a regular basis, get lots of sleep, drink lots of water and work out 5-6 times a week yet still my clothes don’t fit. Pre-crossfit I ate similar but with more frequent cheats, worked out not nearly as often, yet I was pretty little. I hate to even admit this, but I’ve had moments of thinking maybe I should give up crossfit for a while and see what happens… but that thought doesn’t stick around for long. Crossfit is so much more than just lifting, kipping, jumping, pushing, pulling, squatting and burpees. Thank god for that, cause if it was JUST about burpees… Especially CFD. I can’t even imagine my life without our community. You can always get new clothes, but never in my life have I felt a part of group of people that even compares to what we have here. For the first time in my life I feel like I actually understand the meaning of family smile emoticon While I won’t say I’ll get over my issues with feeling like the fat kid, I’m 100% over considering giving up something I love so much just to maybe fit into my skinny jeans again…
Ok, I’m done for now. Thanks!

These demons will follow me forever…  Here’s the thing – I’m tired of being hungry and I’m tired of feeling snausaged into my clothes.  Fixing one, will only make the other worse… so I need to figure out if I can live with the balance of both, or one extreme.  One good thing… it’s not sweltering hot in Ontario today, so at least I don’t feel like a sweaty snausage.  Got to the hill this morning for the 6:00am hump day hill WOD to a windy 6 degrees!  Quite a contrast from 30 on Saturday.  The WOD was a partner thing – 5 trips up the hill each, using a different form of travel each time.  The options were: lunges, running, run 20 steps/10 squats, sandbag carry, or run 20 steps/5 broad jumps (which turned into little bunny hops as the incline increased).  Most of it sucked.  But in the best possible way.  My legs hate me right now, but I love that we’ve started the Wednesday thing cause it kinda still counts as a rest day, right?  I mean, I don’t go to the box… And I need the cardio.  Without the hill it would have been really tough to avoid going later.  Today’s WOD sounds gooooooood!

Tues. May 12:

4 Rounds For Time:
15- Toes To Bar
20- Burpees
25- Kettlebell Swings (53/35)

Time – 16:36

Ok, the last 2 rounds had more knees to elbows than toes to bar, but the first 2 were Rx.  This was gross.  Broke up the toes to bar each round, kept a slowish but consistent pace through the burpees, and recovered during the KBS unbroken.  I find slow and controlled burpees always leave my chest burning the next day.  Again I’ll lay my claim that a burpee should really be called a kipping push-up…

is that even a thing?

friday

New 3 rep MAX today for deadlift 😀  Is that even a thing??  Well, I’m happy so let’s go with it!  I was inspired after reading a fellow blogger’s post about a deadlift competition and got to the box all pumped up.

Fri. May 8:

Part 1. Squat Cleans + Jerks Complex
3 Sets: 3- Squat Cleans + 1- Jerk   #85/#95/#105
* Increase load after each set

Part 2. Deadlifts – work up to HEAVY set of 3  #225
drop the load by 10-15% and REP OUT

Part 3. In teams of 2 – 2000m Row
Partner 1 – row for 60 seconds
Partner 2 – MAX effort Double Unders

Score for Part 3 = Total DU = 125

That’s right, after my NEW PR 3RM for the deadlift, I skipped the rep out portion.  But… I DID contribute to the 125 DU!  Like maybe 25, but for me that’s huge!  I also succeeded with the clean and jerk portion today 🙂  Fridays are great.

After I got home from the WOD and chowed down my breakfast, I figured 2 hours before work was plenty of time to take Yuko with his new bling (rabies tag) to the off leash park to burn off a little puppy spunk before heading to Henry’s.  He met some friends and played for a while until we wandered over to the watering bowl.  My off-white little rock star decided the best way to cool down after all his running was to plop himself right down in the muddy waters surrounding the bowl.  Shiiiiiiiit!  After an improv water bottle rinse in the parking lot we made our way home for a better pre-work clean up.  Ah, parenthood 😉

pigpenThat’s the moment before things got messy.  I didn’t get an after pic, probably because my jaw dropped and I stood in disbelief for a minute before luring him out with a treat.

6am Wednesday the running crew met at mt. Trashmore for a little hill running/lunging/bear crawling session.  It was super-fun and Yuko spent the whole time off leash running around and pretty much following me everywhere.  It’s tough to bear crawl up a steep hill with a dog winding figure-8s under your head and torso, but by the time I got to the top I had laughed so much my sides hurt a little 🙂

Wed. May 6:

Teams of 2:
40- Burpee Box Jump (20″)

30- Snatches (155/105)  #65
40- Burpee Box Jump (20″)
30- Clean and Jerks (155/105)   #75
40- Burpee Box Jump (20″)
30- Thrusters (155/105)   #75
*Share reps as needed

That’s right, I made it to a Wednesday WOD.  I mean, I had the day off cause Yuko had his 2nd puppy class AND this one sounded totally right up my alley.  Decided Thursday I could rest.  These decisions always seem like good ones at the time…  Anyways, making it to a Wednesday WOD means selecting a time slot that’s out of my morning comfort zone.  Got to the 4:30 and at times thought the sweltering heat might kill me.  Ok, I wasn’t really sweltering, but winter wasn’t so long ago and I’m not ready for this yet.  Box jumped for the first 20ish then my depth perception went all fucky and I nearly ate it.  Step ups will do.  My snatches weren’t pretty.  “Don’t be afraid to squat ’em!” Coach Dave yelled at one point but I WAS afraid to squat!  My legs remembered the morning hill sesh.  And thrusters were coming…

just cause

IMG_2354Here we go again with getting “stuck” in the draft phase…  Without pictures, life would be boring.  I keep waiting till I have a chance to add some.  No more waiting, but no more looking for the perfect image to support my text :-p  Haha!  Side note – I got 2 compliments on Sunday at hockey 🙂  I was having a total “I just feel like a fatty and Whole30 is really not worth all the self-torture” day, to the point I nearly decided “screw this!  If I’m going to be unhappy with how I feel even when I eat super-squeaky-clean, then I’m going to be happy with eating chocolate and ice cream and maybe even that damn Oreo cookie I was craving a few days ago”.  When I got to hockey one of my team mates, Tink, introduced me to a friend she brought along.  Friend whispered something and Tink just laughed!  “She said you’re JACKED! And asked why I don’t look like that!”  Tink told me.  LOL!  I totally blushed.  That was exactly what I needed to hear that day.  The other compliment was from the time keeper who for some reason asked my age and was surprised by my answer.  “You don’t look 32 at all!!”  she said 🙂  I guess I should mention that I got myself into a conversation with the time keeper while sitting in the penalty box…  Shit happens :-p

penalty

Tues. May 5:

Teams of 23
60- Chest to Bar Pull-Ups
60- Calorie Row
15- Synchronized Overhead Squats (135/95)  #70
10- Synchronized Overhead Squats (155/105)  #80
5- Synchronized Overhead Squats (185/135)   #85

Time – 16:35  (Moi, Tara, Julio)

Dave’s “treats” post-WOD

20x burpee box jumps

YEAH!!  I feel like I haven’t box jumped in forever.  This being said, my wrists were toast after the OH squats and I nearly did a face-plant with my first burpee…

Confirmed – my body is begging for a rest day.  I’m kind of ok with that 🙂  Means I’ve either been working hard, or sleeping crappy and not drinking enough water…  I’m hoping it’s option A, although it may be a combination.  I wouldn’t say I’ve been not sleeping well, but the last few days I almost launch out of bed earlier than needed.  Could just be the change in the weather (finally!)

————————————————————-

Thanks to the valiant efforts of a larger-than-normal Tim’s coffee, I’m finally feeling a little less like I was run over by a truck :-p  Two days in a row I’ve let myself fall into Coach Rachel’s trap and left the box in a mental fog haha!  It’s a good trap, but has its moments.  The new an “improved” schedule for May got rid of my usual Sunday morning WOD and replaced it with Open Gym.  Left to my own devices, not much is usually accomplished in Open Gym, but when Rach asked “heyyyy Kate!  Wanna join our partner WOD??”  I couldn’t say no.  Rachel’s programing sometimes can bring out the competitive side for me of “can I even do that??”

Mon. May 4:

Part 1. Squat Snatch: 3-3-3   #75 (x1, #65×3)
Increase load after each set <– not today!

Part 2. Front Squats: Work up to a HEAVY set of 3 reps   #135
Then drop the load 10-15% & REP OUT   #105 x18

Took Yuko and Syrup out to pee.  When I came back in Amanda asked “Do you want to work out??” with a big smile on her face.  Umm… didn’t we just… Ok!

For Time:
150 Double Unders   350 Singles
75 Push Press   #35

Time – 6:35

Then 100 walking lunges just cause.  My lower half had just recovered from the 200m walking lunges on Friday, so what the heck?  Why not!

Sun. May. 3:

In partners – Rest while partner works:
100m Row + 25 Burpees
200m Row + 20 Burpees
300m Row + 15 Burpees
400m Row + 10 Burpees
500m Row + 5 Burpees

Rest 5 minutes

1 Mile 800m run

Rest 5 minutes

OTM, 16 minutes:
ODD min – 3 Squat Snatch     #55
EVEN min – 3 Clean & Jerk (split)    #55

And an hour later, I grabbed a speed-shower and booked it to work.  15 burpees in I was dying LOL  Decided to cut the run in half considering I knew I had to run my tail off at hockey later.  I don’t regret the decision!  It took like half the day to recover from…  my cardio has gone out the window 😦

crazy

In other news—

While I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a milestone worthy of celebration, there’s definitely an opportunity to reflect…  March of 2015 was 10 years since I was diagnosed with MS.  It’s been an interesting ride, no question although I still consider myself incredibly lucky.  Since about a week after the shock and devastation of hearing those life altering words “You have MS.” I’ve made it a goal to manage the disease in a way that allowed me to continue being me.  For the most part, nutrition and exercise have helped me succeed with that.  Frame of mind has played a big part too!  I won’t say there haven’t been some bumps in the road, but I’ve made it this far 🙂

Another landmark – April 2015 marks 10 years working for Henry’s.  After 10 years, I’m still in a position where I can honestly say I’m proud to work for the company I do.  I’ve worked hard to climb the ranks and earned my stripes honestly.  I’m good at my job, but not cocky about my awesomeness :-p  Here’s where the 2 milestones tie into each other.  If you’ve followed along with my ramblings for some time, you should agree that I’m pretty open about the MS thing.  I share my experiences pretty openly, especially through my blog, but there are battles that I deal with regularly which I keep to myself.  Especially in a working environment.  I’m currently in the position where I need to hire 2 new sales associates.  Generally speaking, not much intimidates me at work.  I have no issue speaking up and voicing my view in a group of managers like at the meeting I was at this week.  I have no issues speaking to my staff in either a group or individual setting.  All of these people know me though.  When it comes to speaking to a new audience, such as performing an interview, I get nervous.  Sound dumb?  I have speech issues at times.  Could be an MS symptom, which is quite common, or also could be a result of the ridiculous number of concussions my poor head has experienced.  When sitting alone with a new person, it’s frustrating and a little embarrassing when I know exactly what I want to say, but somewhere between my mind and my mouth the message gets lost.  I’ve stared blankly.  I’ve spit out all the wrong words.  I’ve slurred, regrouped, restated, all while apologizing repeatedly.  It’s awkward and quickly beats down my confidence.  An interview should be easy and comfortable.  My intention is to get a feeling of how the applicant handles a new interaction and how easily they can carry on a conversation.  One of my applicants last week mentioned “sorry!  I’m a little nervous!”  The thought that crossed my mind – “You’re nervous?!  I’m just praying my brain cooperates and I don’t make myself look like an idiot!”

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