one day it'll all make sense.

Archive for October, 2014

purely WODing

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I failed to celebrate a few posts ago now… This is #304.¬†ūüôā That’s a LOT of my randomness released out into the blogging world. ¬†Sadly enough, I still complain about¬†some of the same stuff. ¬†But I’ve also come a long way baby! ūüôā With the help of my CFD family, I’ve found a place where I truly feel I belong. I’ve learned so much about myself – not all of which has been good discovery. ¬†I’ve become stronger mentally,¬†and¬†WAY stronger physically. I’ve set some fears aside and found confidence I never could have imagined possible. Happy 304 ūüôā¬† #boxlove

This is a looooong one. ¬†Sorry! ¬†The longer I put off pressing “publish”, the longer it gets! ¬†With every day that passes I have another WOD to add to the list. ¬†Reality. ¬†Deal with it.

Tues. Oct. 28:

30-20-10: Squat Cleans (#135/#95) #65
15-10-5: Strict Handstand Pushup seated strict press #45

Time –¬†10:34 (I think?)

Ok, this WOD doesn’t sound epicly terrible on paper. ¬†I mean, I knew the handstand push-ups would be something I’d scale. ¬†Also knew I wouldn’t be going Rx for 60 squat cleans. ¬†But didn’t anticipate the reaction of the 6am class! ¬†Smarti even¬†called me as I was on my way to the box with a warning of “holy SH*T this one is awful!!”. ¬†I just laughed and thanked her for the warning to not go to heavy. ¬†When aren’t they at least a little awful? ¬†Isn’t that a little bit the point? ¬†But when I got to the box and another 6am’er blocked my path in and said “just turn around and get back in your car! ¬†Dave hasn’t seen you yet, you still have a chance!” ¬†I took it a bit more seriously. ¬†End of the day, the extra warning could be the reason I think I over-scaled. ¬†Like, don’t think my strict presses should have all been unbroken sets. ¬†While I won’t at all say this was a piece of cake, I didn’t hate it. ¬†And finished faster than I should have. ¬†All good though. ¬†Gave me some time post WOD to work on some handstand holds and kipping handstand push-ups. ¬†<— like, I actually got 1 (maybe 2) reps where I got some air between my head and the abmat! ¬†Haha!! ¬†I’ll take it! ¬†It’s all about progress, right?

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burpees now

Mon. Oct. 27:

AMRAP 15 Minutes:
10- Toes to Bar
15- Burpees
40- Double-Unders

Result – 5 rounds

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Mondays just aren’t my best day of the week.¬† Last night, I read this WOD and got kind of excited ūüôā¬† A chance for some toes to bar (love).¬† Some burpees (not love, but generally not hate) and a good chunk of double unders practice.¬† Then Monday happened.¬† Actually, I’ll be more specific… it was 6:00am so Monday can’t really take all the blame since such a minimal amount of it have even happened yet.¬† I’m going to change my statement to Monday WODs just aren’t my best – as a result of the Saturday and Sunday that lead up to them.¬† Party animal?¬† Nooooo.¬† Saturday at work was busy (in Cambridge too!) and felt even busier when a staff member had to leave for a family emergency.¬† Just myself and one sales person.¬† ALL day.¬† And I brought minimal food cause my fridge was almost empty.¬† Plus zero¬†water.¬† Fail.¬† Then Sunday I crammed 3 days worth of stuff into 1 afternoon.¬† Again, minimal food and little water.¬† Could explain how crazy dizzy and brutally sluggish I was for the 6am metcon.¬† I’ll try to not make that mistake again.¬† Like, ever.

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Fri. Oct. 24:

Part 1. Front Squats: 10-8-6-4-2
Part 2. 2 Rounds of:
200m Front Rack Kettlebell Carry (53/35)
50 AbMat Sit-ups

Result РPart 1 :   #85-95-115-125-130

Got into a group of 3 for the front squats today with 2 of my fav. WOD buddies ūüôā¬† We discussed things and decided to start at #85 and baby step things up to et through all 30 squats.¬† During the 8’s, Coach Sharon caught on to our “safe” approach and charged over to our rack on a mission.¬† “You 3 are all the same!¬† You don’t know what it feels like to FAIL cause you choose your loading carefully enough to know you can succeed!¬† Not today!!”¬† she said.¬† As I was pulling a #5 off the bar to replace with a #10, “Add the #10.¬† AND the #5.”¬† Gulp!¬† But there’s no arguing Coach Sharon, although I never would anyway.¬† I trust her and Dave more than I trust myself.¬† While the jump from #95 to #115 was a big one, it was doable.¬† The next jump up to #125 was a bit of a shock and while I didn’t fail and drop the bar, I got too deep in my squat on rep 3 and panicked a little resulting in a 4th rep that was borderline not deep enough.¬† It was just the push we needed ūüôā¬† Thanks Coach Sharon!

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Thurs. Oct. 23:

‚ÄúDeath by Power Clean‚ÄĚ
20 Minute Running Clock
On the 1st Minute ‚Äď 1 Power Clean
On the 2nd Minute ‚Äď 2 Power Cleans
On the 3rd Minute ‚Äď 3 Power Cleans
Rx Weights ‚Äď 135/95¬†¬† #85
Continue as far as possible. If unable to complete a set, start over with 1 rep until total time is called.

The “death by ____” WODs are so deceiving. ¬†1st minute = little effort + LOTS of rest. ¬†By round 7 my effort was taking up pretty much the WHOLE minute :-p. ¬†Made it to round 9 before starting over at 1. ¬†Although I had hoped to at¬†least make it to 10, I had also loaded my bar up with #75 until I turned around and saw my girl SP had #85. ¬†Competitive? ¬†Me? ¬†Ya, guilty. ¬†But it’s all good ūüôā ¬†We give each other that little extra push to be awesome. ¬†#bebetter

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Mon. Oct. 20:

Tonight I’m on my way to a Tues-Wed GM conference in Markham. It’s at a pretty cool facility where everything we could possibly need for the 2 days is all there. Hotel, amazing buffet style restaurant that actually has lots of options I can eat, conference halls, a bar/games room for evening “team-building” ūüėČ BUT… it also means no CFD Tues-Wed. Don’t you worry… it also gives me personal justification for the fact that I worked out Fri-Mon. ūüėČ Today was a dose of Fight Gone Bad. Yes, my crying WOD. No tears this time!! Also no PR ūüė¶ Maybe tears=PR? haha!

‚ÄúFight Gone Bad‚ÄĚ
3 rounds for Max Reps:
1:00 Wall Balls (20/14)   #10
1:00 Sumo Deadlift High Pulls (75/55)   #35
1:00 Box Jumps (20″)
1:00 Push Presses (75/55)   #45
1:00 Rowing for Calories
1:00 Rest

Result – 301

Ok, so I scaled this one.¬† But Sunday when we did one of Coach Dave’s “treats” post-WOD which included a pile of wallballs, I learned catching the ball had my ribs screaming at me.¬† So I went a bit lighter and just kept moving!

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 Sun. Oct. 19:

0:00- 20:00 Minutes: Work up to a HEAVY Double Snatch   #65

20:00 Minutes- 22:00 Minutes: REST

22:00 Minutes- 32: 00 Minutes AMRAP in 10 Minutes, Teams of 2:

20- Snatches #115/#85   #35

20- Snatches #125/#95   #40

20- Snatches #135/#105 #45

20- Snatches #145/#115 #55

20- Snatches #155/#125 #65

MAX REPS- Snatches #175/#135 #65 x 3

Amazing what happens when you add the time element to a movement. ¬†The first 20 minutes of working up to a HEAVY double snatch were pathetic. ¬†My brain just wouldn’t connect to the movement. ¬†It was ugly. ¬†Then when we got to part 2 and the 3, 2, 1 GO! ¬†Suddenly everything clicked. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, they were super light, but suddenly I was able to move the bar quickly¬†and properly. ¬†I paired up with a newer athlete cause my ribs were still not 100% so I figured it was a good opportunity to go lighter and just focus on form and my plan worked out perfectly ūüôā ¬†Unfortunate we weren’t able to move through the first 5×20 of the AMRAP quicker to get more time for the MAX REPS round, but it’s all good ūüôā ¬†Next time.

 

 

Barbells for Boobs – round 2

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Let’s back track a bit.¬† My first Barbells¬†for Boobs was a year ago, and was just 3+ months into my cross fit journey. It was possibly my first experience of a total ass-kicking dished out in a sub-5 minute WOD. The “amazing” Grace. October 2013 I walked up to the #75 bar in the WOD area (after warming up with a game plan of doing #65, but decided “what the heck, the weights are already on the bar”). 10-12 reps in¬†I remember wanting to slip into the shadows and disappear. It was a ROUGH 4:13.

My second Barbells for Boobs was a shining experience¬†by comparison. ūüôā ¬†Went #75 again, but this time it was my¬†choice¬†to do so. I shaved 39 seconds off my time! ¬†I won’t say all 30 reps felt awesome, but many did. First 10-12 were unbroken. Let go of the bar once to pull off my stupid headband that was slipping from the start and driving me nuts. Thanks lululemon. You owe me 2-3 seconds ;-).¬† At some point around rep 15 auto-pilot kicked in and I realized it was just me and the bar in my own little world.¬† I picked a more inconspicuous spot in the gym this time and finished early enough to avoid the cheering squad circle that¬†supports and encourages¬†the last of the finishers.¬† One thing that hasn’t changed from last year though…

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I still make funny faces :p¬† Although I really don’t feel too bad about that.¬† I went to play event photographer yesterday as well as do my WOD.¬† I’m not the only one who makes funny faces, and mine certainly aren’t the worst!¬† Haha!

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Here I thought it was just me and the bar all alone…¬† wrong ūüôā¬† Coach Dave was there with every one of us making sure form was “top shelf”.¬† There are lots¬†of people out there who slam crossfit¬†for all the injuries they hear of.¬† Great coaching makes all the difference!!¬† #boxlove

By the way… no more NUTS.¬† I made the decision probably 10 days ago (ish) to break free from my nut addiction.¬† Not that nuts are bad, but my relationship with them was awful.¬† Anyways, move on.¬† Dirty secret revealed – cutting out nuts has probably shaved close to 1,000 calories from my daily intake.¬† Gross, right?¬† If you like wine or beer, don’t judge me.¬† You’re no better.¬† Actually, just don’t judge me.¬† I promise I’ll return the favor ūüėČ

It’s not a WOD kate. Just a post. Stop overthinking and hit publish.

 

Bats, ghosts, buprees and barbells

Nightmare on Mill Street

Team competition

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CF Division had 3 teams in this one ūüôā ¬†For me, it was my 2nd time ever competing in a team competition, and 1st time competing at a different box.¬† Crossfit Kitchener was our host and my team was made up of two guys and one other girl, all of whom were great fun to compete with. ūüôā¬† Santos was our rockstar.¬† Many of the WODs MB and I decided that the best plan of attack what to get through the nitty gritty bits so Santos could flex his awesomeness with the hard stuff.¬† When I saw “hard stuff” I’m referring to the 2 min max reps rope climb, 2 min max reps 30″ box jumps, and of course…. the 100 pull-ups!!¬† Like seriously, 30/24 box jumps in the scaled division!!¬† Eeek!!¬† You should have seen the boxes too!¬† I almost held my breath every time Santos jumped in fear that he may crash right through the thing.¬† After popping out 3 ribs on Monday, I spent an hour of torture (massage) Tuesday and a visit to chiro Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to sort things out to be able to play along.¬† While my muscles were still a bit angry in general and downright opposed to some of the movements, my team was super supportive and we worked around the strengths of each athlete.¬† All in all, I really enjoyed the experience and was really happy with how we performed as a team.¬† Didn’t even come last ūüėȬ† I’ll be looking forward to the next opportunity to do something like this again, hopefully at a time where I can say I was in top form.

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EVENT # 1

2 min at each station with 1 min b/t stations

max rep squats – 205/145

max rep – rope climbs

100 m row sprint 20.3

max rep – wall walks

HPC – 115/80

Box jumps @ 30/24

* Total of 17 min

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EVENT # 2

100 thrusters 95/65

100 pull ups

Time – 9:53

* 12 min time cap, 3 min b/t heats

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EVENT # 3

2k row 500 each

50 burpee box jumps 20/16 10 reps

50 KB snatch 55/35 X

200 singles (skipping) all 200

21 c&j @ 155/105 (can be done with 2 people) maybe 5 reps? with MB. awkward!

100 sit ups 60 reps

1 k sled pull 2×45/1×45

Time – not entirely sure :s 25ish minutes possibly?

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Event 1, I was only able to step up to the plate for the row sprint.¬†¬†Originally the plan was for me to do the rope climb too, but jumping from the rope was near fatal. ¬†Event 2, thrusters were not something my ribs were a fan of either, but I needed to get at least 1 in before I could jump on the rig. I didn’t pound out monster strings of pull-ups, but I did better than I thought I would!¬†Woot Woot! ¬†ūüôā Event 3, Only movement that held me back was the KB snatch. So I made up for it by getting through all 200 single unders (is that even a thing?) and a large chunk of the sit-ups. Oh!! And a handful of two person clean and jerks. AWKWARD!! ¬†But thankfully MB and I are nearly the same height :p lol ¬†All in all, super fun day and so glad I was able to participate ūüôā

one for ALL

take a chance

So, I spent the early part of this week at a managers conference in Toronto. ¬†Much to my dismay, this meant 2 days away from CFD. ¬†Bummer. ¬†Tuesday’s WOD sounded like a good one and I even considered attempting it in the hotel gym, but was pretty sure that overhead squats with a Smith Machine just weren’t the smartest idea. ¬†So 5km run filled the void. ¬†Anyways, my lack of lifting for 2 days is not where I intended to go with this. ¬†Wednesday I had a “thank you crossfit!!” moment when I was faced with a situation that was out of my comfort zone. ¬†A few minutes of courage in the face of fears were required, and the likely hood of taking such a risk even a year ago would have been pretty slim. ¬†I’ll keep my summary brief as not to bore the pants off ya. ¬†The president of the company I work for asked a question to the 32 managers in the room. ¬†A question as to why none of us had been supporting a practice. ¬†The room went silent. ¬†I stood up and quite plainly stated that it was a practice that essentially took money right out of our pockets. ¬†I was terrified, but it had to be said! ¬†The only way we were ever going to find common ground and move forward was to face these things head-on. ¬†Right away, Mr. Pres. went down the road I had feared “BUT at the end of the day, doesn’t what is best for the company as a whole matter the most?” ¬†Gulp. ¬†Oh shit. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, I’m the type of person who gives 110% at everything I do. ¬†The betterment of the company is high priority for me every day, but at the end of the day I still have bills to pay. ¬†Can’t argue that. ¬†The disappointing part was that by show of hands, only about 50% of my fellow managers will willing to show their support. ¬†Grow some balls people. ¬†Anyways,¬†the ripple effect set in and the open conversation that followed was exactly what I had been hoping for. ¬†In the end, there was a resolution that was of mutual benefit ūüôā ¬†Suddenly there was 100% support from the group when there was no longer a questionable outcome. ¬†And the following day I arrived to my store to find my inbox filled with “thank you!” emails from Mr. Pres, VP of sales, both DMs, and a few of my fellow managers. ¬†You know what? ¬†Thank you crossfit!! ¬†For teaching me to take chances and helping me find a confidence I kept buried behind self-doubt for so many year ūüėÄ

on the fence

Over-eposed?¬† What can I say… This is me.

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Over the next few days I will, in a sense, have all the time in the world to draft up some crazy sh*t¬†completely¬†free of WOD¬†details. ¬†Tuesday I got in to see Zaps¬†(box vet/massage) in hopes that he could help me with the sore back thing. ¬†He tortured me appropriately, as he always does, and suggested I make a chiro¬†appointment cause he felt I had a rib out. ¬†Taking care of injury is not usually something I’m very good at, but in consideration of the competition this Saturday, I took his advise¬†and got in yesterday. ¬†A possible rib out turned out to be 3! ¬†Great. ¬†When I do something, it’s never half-assed. ¬†Injury is no different apparently. ¬†Chiro¬†put me back together, but strongly suggested I take the rest of the week off. ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†Yup… that means no Nightmare of Mill Street this weekend for me possibly. ¬†Total bummer. ¬†But I’m old enough to know that giving in to Zaps’ offer to just tape me up like crazy and compete anyway is not the smartest option. ¬†Been there, done that. ¬†Still paying for some poor judgement calls I’ve made in the¬†past. ¬†Sigh.

Know what else “take the week off” means? ¬†Other than the fact that my mind could quite literally implode without the box? ¬†No first ball hockey game last night. ¬†Double sigh. ¬†That also ties in to my “on the fence” title of this post though.¬† I’m trying my best to chose¬†the “just be happy with being strong as fawk and forget the rest” side, but I’m struggling to get over the changing seasons and having to wear pants again.¬† :p¬† Especially talking jeans.¬† Even the stretchy variety remind me I have a BUTT now.¬† And quads.¬† Large quads.¬† Strong… but still.

Made a decision yesterday that it was time to get the monkey off my back. ¬†Broke the news to my mother that I intend on taking a year off from vacationing in Dominican¬†this coming¬†February. ¬†“I just bought my place. ¬†I want to get a year of home ownership under my belt before I spend that kind of money on a trip.” I told her. ¬†Do you really believe that there wasn’t an ulterior¬†motive there as well? ¬†No? ¬†Good. ¬†You’re catching on.¬† Do I want to lean on this excuse as a way around the judgement and pressure that bikini wearing brings?¬† Especially¬†with my mother around?¬† Bingo.¬† Maybe I should just go by myself and find comfort in the fact that I don’t know anyone else on the beach.¬† Or find some crossfit friends to rope in to going.¬† Just not the skinny ones.¬† That would be counter-productive.

The WORST thing I ever did for/to myself was get down to a size 2.¬† Sure, I was tiny.¬† Sure, I actually for once in my life enjoyed shopping for pants/shorts/bikinis.¬† Wearing them too!¬† Like, in public.¬† Sure, I actually¬†received lots of praise and support from her Royal¬†Highness¬†(my mother).¬† But was I happier even then?¬† Nope.¬† Skinny doesn’t miraculously make a person happy.¬† Was I healthier?¬† Nope.¬† I obsessed over controlling¬†my diet to such an extreme that my relationship suffered.¬† I put unintentional and unnecessary¬†pressure on the one person I loved more than anyone, all for the sake of getting smaller.¬† It was selfish, but life has thrown me so many things that are out of my control that I fell for the belief that diet was the one thing I could.¬† Sure I was eating good food, but still my MS¬†symptoms were rough.¬† Guess what?¬† That put even more strain on all aspects of life.¬† It was not a period of my life that I look back on and wish I could revisit, yet my mind still hangs on the fact that: I was a size 2.

Yes, I’m still rambling about the same old shit.¬† Maybe one day I’ll actually get over it.¬† A friend made a comment the other day that I look great.¬† Fit and healthy.¬† Maybe one day I’ll see it……

letgo

Bump in the road

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I’m going to change things up a bit in terms of the format of my posts.¬† I get that my WOD summaries are really not all that interesting for anyone.¬† Could consider it one of those “ya had to be there” kinda things.¬† So… my random chaotic content will now be mostly extracted from the “data” and spewed out before I get into the nitty-gritty.

Hey Coach Dave… How many birthday cakes did ya get bro?¬† Haha!¬† This weekend kicked off with our CFD Thanksgiving get together, complete with a post-birthday cake for the one and only Coach Dave.¬† Last Wednesday a bunch of peeps got together for a birthday dinner and Russell Peters show.¬† Then it seemed like every time I logged into the old facebook over the weekend, there were new pictures of Dave and yet another cake!¬† Haha!¬† Maybe that’s just the benefit of your birthday falling around a holiday like Thanksgiving?¬† Mine just falls on father’s day from time to time.¬† I always considered that a bit of a rip-off rather than a benefit :p¬† Ok, now I’m just being a total punk.¬† My back hurts.¬† Cut me some slack.

Back to the weekend.¬† I place all the blame on the pumpkin pie.¬† Well, truth of the matter is I should place the blame on my lack of will power to resist the pumpkin pie.¬† But it was the 3rd day in a row that I’d had to see/smell its wonderful goodness.¬† It was just a little piece.¬† And I didn’t eat the crust.¬† Still… FAIL.¬† It didn’t even taste as amazing as I had psyched myself up for.¬† But the biggest fail was the next day when all I wanted to do was sleep.¬† *** amendment note required – My aunt put wheat berries on the salad!¬† I picked around most of them, but tired of that process quickly.¬† Today, I googled.¬† Wheat berries CONTAIN GLUTEN.¬† Ok pie, you likely weren’t deserving of all of the blame.¬† Yesterday was ridiculous though.¬† I was in bed probably around 8:30.¬† Justified it to myself cause I knew today came with a 4:15am alarm.

We had a perfect weekend for Thanksgiving ūüôā¬† hope my fellow Canadians enjoyed it!¬† Yesterday was my only day off and although it wasn’t a sunny one, it was perfect weather for a little run.

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WTF?!¬† My back is messed up again.¬† Disclaimer – this injury has zero to do with crossfit.¬† Not the first time my back has been screwy this year, but that wasn’t crossfit related either.¬† I’m not making the claim that you can’t get hurt crossfitting, but I AM making the claim that my coaches are very careful to make sure everyone who picks up a bar,¬†grabs on¬†to the pull-up rig, touches a wallball, etc,¬†has all the tools needed to perform safely and avoiding injury.¬† Nope, I didn’t hurt myself digging for a new¬†deadlift or squat PR.¬† I hurt my back chilling in my pjs last night, watching tv and rolling on my foam roller.¬† Brilliant.¬† Woke up this morning with random knee-buckling-hard-to-breathe spasms every time I’d flex my spine.¬† I CAN’T be broken right now!!¬† This Saturday is our “Nightmare on Mill Street” team competition in Kitchener!¬† So of course, I got in the car and headed to the 6am WOD.¬† Not to DO the WOD, but to spend some time working to get things moving again.¬† Any sort of impact hurts (running, jumping, dropping off the bar) but otherwise the situation improved as I kept moving.¬† Read Coach Dave’s mind and scaled the WOD appropriately.¬† Then sent a message to the box vet with a big “pleeeeeeeease… will you see me today!”

Tues. Oct. 14:

AMRAP 12 Minutes:
50- Burpees over the Bar    push-ups
30- Power Snatches (#135/#95)    #10? training bar
10- Muscle-Ups/ Chest- Bar Pullups   MU transitions

Score – 1 round + 50 push-ups + 13 snatch

Oddly enough, despite all the back bull sh*t, I felt like I was moving pretty well today.¬† As the catch for the snatch (hehe) started to get uncomfortable, I switched pretty seamlessly into squat snatches.¬† Granted, I wasn’t moving any weight…

Sun. Oct. 12:

Front Squats:

3 – 3 – 3 – 3 – 3 – 3 – 3

# 105 – 105 – 110 – 115 – 120 – 120 – 125

Pretty sure that #125 is a new 3RM.¬† Actually, pretty sure I’ve never done more than #105 for multiple reps but I could be off my rocker.¬† Still… although #105 felt heavy right from the start today, I had a kick-ass partner that I just sort of followed along with as she added weight each round.¬† Thanks Colt ūüôā¬† #yousostronggirl

Fri. Oct 10:

Orange is the new black? Well, 6am is the new 7:30. In my little world anyways. Only way to make crossift and Cambridge co-exist. Not that I mind really, but Friday coffee WOD is at 7:30 ūüė¶ Today it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t worry, I got slightly heckled for this but my reason behind missing it had to do with the friday night CFD Thanksgiving, so only mild disapproval from Coach Sharon.

Part 1. 5 rounds, resting 90s between: 300 Meter Row/Sally 50 Meter Prowler Push (#90/#45) 300m row + #45-#45-#90-#45-#90

Part 2. Close Grip Bench/Floor Press: 10-10-10-10-10 #75-#85-#85-#85-#90

Part 3. Tabata ‚Äď Bench press (#95/#65) Rx – min. 6 reps/round

Part 4. Banded Tricep Pushdowns: Accumulate 100 Reps (Arms are going to get BLOWN UP)

Thurs. Oct. 9:

So, I may have a new friend. Not a best friend though… Her name is Kelly and she’s a bitch, but I respect her for that.

‚ÄúKelly‚ÄĚ
5 rounds:

400 Meter Run
30- Box Jumps (24/20)
30- Wallballs (20/14)

Time – 28:17 Rx

AND… I didn’t even cry during the wallballs! I thought that was just sort of my “thing” when ya threw wallballs into a metcon. Maybe it’s just a Fight Gone Bad thing? Yup, last year at the Toys For Tots fundraiser, I cried through the wallballs. I’m not ashamed.

Just let it go

Today I was reminded of something I’ve known all along:

No one will ever be as critical of you, as you are of yourself.   Coach Sharon

I’ve fallen into somewhat of a blogging silence over the last little while cause there are thoughts bouncing around in my mind that I don’t want to share. ¬†Why? ¬†Cause I don’t want to create that impression of myself. ¬†I also don’t want to admit to myself that I’m really not all that tough, but we all have a soft side I guess. ¬†I considered starting a new blog and only sharing it with the readers I only know through wordpress. ¬†There’s a sense of comfort knowing that you can completely write with open honesty cause you will never have to face those who read your rants in public. ¬†I’ve made the decision to push my reservations aside for the time being in the hopes that sharing my story might benefit someone else who is fighting the same battles. ¬†Still might happen at some point, but for now… this is me.

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Where did this all start? ¬†Not entirely sure, but I’m pretty confident some of it has to do with my decision to rejoin a ball hockey league I gave up when I moved to Waterloo. ¬†It’s a great group of friends who I’ve missed like crazy, but haven’t seen in almost 2 years. ¬†A lot has changed in 2 years. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, it’s been probably one of the best periods of my life so far in terms of personal growth. ¬†I’ve found the best community/family of people at Crossfit Division. ¬†I’ve learned I am physically capable of a whole crap load more than I ever would have imagined previously. ¬†My mind is in a great place. ¬†Work is good, health is better than ever, and I’ve found a place where I finally feel like I really belong just for being ME. ¬†Maybe it’s a realization that I’m putting myself back into the world where I only really belonged in someone else’s shadow that’s unnerving. ¬†But maybe it’s time for me to show that I can be a part of that world all on my own…

So what’s the problem? ¬†In conversation with Coach Sharon, I made a confession that got me in trouble :p ¬†“I haven’t seen these girls for almost 2 years. ¬†I was 25lbs lighter back then…” ¬†ūüėģ ¬†No surprise the reaction I got to that comment. ¬†“PLEASE tell me you don’t own a scale! ¬†Get rid of it right away.” ¬†I know that the number on the scale means nothing. ¬†I know that muscle weighs more than fat. ¬†I know that I’m 1000x stronger than I was at 115lbs. ¬†But I also know how it feels to not fit into my old clothes. ¬†I know how it felt when I was maybe 12 and a comment was made about how big my thighs were. ¬†Or in high school when my mom would say “I’d ask to borrow your clothes, but they’d be too big.” ¬†I’m not 14 anymore, but although I know that 99% of my problems are all in my head, this is a battle I’ve been fighting for a looooong time. ¬†Old habits die hard.

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